reflecting on myself and who I have become

After the past two years full of irresponsible decisions, failed relationships, excessive partying leading to a tiny hint of alcoholism, and being in denial about all of the above I am finally beginning to see the good things that life has to offer. I am finally catching a glimpse of the kind hearted, caring, motivated person I used to be.

You see, up until recently, during these past two years I have lived my life quite recklessly. Dropping out of school, acquiring the taste for vodka, staying up for many days in a row, smoking, and getting mixed up in all kinds of trouble just to have some sense of excitement in my life. I would go about life hurting others with no feeling of remorse or regret. Basically I went around doing what ever the fuck I wanted to do whether I was hurting myself or others in the process. I no longer cared about getting married, having kids, finishing college, or anything else I once dreamed about happening in my future.

A few months ago I met someone new. He was not like my typical friends or type of person you would normally see me surrounding myself with but someone I look up to and truly respect. Like me, he had also been hurt and broken by someone he once truly cared about. But, unlike me, he chose to make a new life from his tragedy and upset. He chose to keep his head up and make the best he could out of the worst times in life. He is not only a driven, positive, unselfish, attractive, and funny individual. He is also a very dedicated father of three.

In the midst of my reckless, selfish, unhealthy lifestyle I had finally met someone who could bring out the real me. After spending the last few months with him, my entire outlook on life has changed (or has gone back to normal I should say). It was not only him, but the idea of being a step mother of three small children will definitely do that to a person too. I now think about how my actions will effect other people. I realize that I'm no longer on my own anymore.

I don't really know if I am the adult everyone expected me to be. I do know that I am finally trying to make a life for myself. I am no longer in denial about my actions, blame others for my mishaps, or dwell on past mistakes or the "what might have beens". I am truly happy. For real this time.